Blah

Today I had a very out of sorts kind of day. For some reason I felt kinda down, and unsure of how Evelyn and I fit into this life of Bens. It made me sad and I had a little cry.
I feel a little displaced. Evelyn and I have not been able to change around our body clocks we are mostly on Toronto time....

Ben has been telling me about what his career future holds and where he thinks it will go from here and it's kinda scary. He of course wants to talk about it now so I have time to take it all in and nothing is a sudden shock.

But I guess after a week of being here and struggling to fit in to Ben's life and schedule and not having things like tv, my own computer and Evelyn really needs some more toys here.... I just feel blah. I want to travel, I want Ben to do this, we just have to figure out a way to make it work. Getting me a laptop would help.... then at least I can download my tv shows from home and watch and have my own computer to do my own things and not be waiting for Ben to be done using his every night.

The bonus side is that I won't have to go back to work which is certainly nice. But the negative side is that Ben might only be home a few weeks a year and on the road the rest of the time. He talked about how if this is going to be happen how he would like to move our family home from Toronto to Ottawa since it's closer to his family and a tad closer to Kingston I guess than Toronto. He thinks I would have a better support system there than being in Toronto. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I do have friends here, and I like Toronto, I have my endo group and doctors I like AND trust! starting over in a new city seems hard. But I also see how it could benefit us too. Ben says we'll how the next year and a bit goes.

At least Ben agreed with me that I wouldn't have to live in the burbs and he said he would like to live in the 'Glebe' whatever that is! But he promised me that I wouldn't have to get into a car to go get milk and to cute shops. And of course we wouldn't want a house that is too big for me to take care of, and we wouldn't want a big yard either. Pretty much transport our current home and yard to this Glebe place. Actually I wouldn't mind another bathroom and a rec room/play room but that's it I could be happy otherwise I think....
At the same time I JUST finished some rooms in my house!!!! I just frigging got a bunch of it done enough to enjoy after living there for over 5.5 years!
Also moving to Ottawa is far away from Sherkston/Port Colborne and I love going there and I love how it's less than 2 hours away from our home, I love my family there and I want Evie to grow up there too. Crap now I am all crying again.

There are 2 films Ben is likely getting offered. One is in NYC the DP is Bill Pope (Ben worked with him on Scott Pilgrim) and the other one is with Ang Lee in India. Ben thinks the one he will be asked to do is the one in India and apparently it will start in Jan or Feb.... and of course there's prep in LA at Pace before it starts.... so maybe he might be home for Christmas for alike a week. THAT news was tough to take in....

Have I only been here a little over a week? It actually seems a lot longer. I think part of me is kinda homesick for my things I am glad I am going back home for the month of August to get better equipped for a longer stay in the Fall. Knowing what to bring and being more prepared should help me adjust.

Okay these photos are from Ben's iphone. He took them and emailed them to me so I could upload them.

This is me and Evie at Dinner earlier this week (it was a cool night)
























This is from yesterday during our walk around the theater district area in London.